He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
