What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
