I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Who died my cat blue again?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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