I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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