I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I have fence marks all over my body
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
