the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
