new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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