i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We need to get me chipped asap
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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