the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
