tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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