Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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