Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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