I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
