tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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