Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize