I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
