I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
