Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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