Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
