Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
