Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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