Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Randomize
