i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
