i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
