hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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