I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
