Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
