fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
