I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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