I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
