The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
