Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
