So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
No I am not eating basil off your cock
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
