I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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