how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
