does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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