So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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