I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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