i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
