I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
