Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
