I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
