Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Holy shit dude........stairs
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