1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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