I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
