Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
