hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
