Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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