Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
