I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
