The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
