Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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