I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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