Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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