y did u give ur computer a hand job?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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