i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
